Goed functionerend?

Ik ben geen goede volwassene. Ik heb soms het gevoel dat ik een andere volwassene nodig heb voor serieuze zaken. Noem het zelfkennis.

Dit is een bijzonder en mooi jaar geweest voor mij waarin veel zaken zijn duidelijk geworden maar dit sprong er voor mij het meeste uit over mijzelf.

Het is een rare kwestie. Ik ben 30 en ik heb kinderen. Ik heb kinderen die al in de bovenbouw zitten van de basisschool. Kinderen die in een bepaalde mate zelfstandig zijn. Ik draai een huishouding. Ik werk. Ik heb een relatie waarin we wijn drinken en praten over het leven en die dingen.

Ik ben volgens alle regels van de maatschappij een functionerende zelfstandige vrouw en volwassen.

Maar functionerend wil niet zeggen “goed functionerend” Ik functioneer maar ik vraag mijzelf meerdere malen per week wel eens af. “Klopt dit?” “Kan dit?” “Hoe doe ik dit?”

Sterker nog, ik bel met al het gemak van de wereld mijn ouders, Meneer of mijn vrienden om dingen te vragen.

Huilend mijn vriendin dat ik naar de tandarts moet. Mijn vader om vragen te stellen over de lampen. Meneer om vragen te stellen over de computer. Mam om vragen te stellen over fysieke ongemakken met mij of de kinderen.

Voor de buitenwereld ben ik een sterke onafhankelijke moeder. Op sociale media komen deze opmerkingen vaker voorbij. Op goede dagen ben ik het helemaal met ze eens. Ik doe dit al drie jaar met mijn meisjes, ik kan dit. Ik weet hoe het moet. Ik red het wel. Look at me go.

Maar soms lijkt het allemaal wel eens onwerkelijk. Is dit mijn leven? Moeder? Ik kan niet eens zelf zonder tranen naar de tandarts. Ik ben verdomme zelf nog aan het wisselen.

Soms kan ik ineens een intens verdriet voelen. Omdat het soms gewoon even zwaar is. Omdat ik het gevoel heb dat in mijn leven niet in de hand heb.

Ik had mijn leven anders voor mijzelf bedacht als ik 30 zou zijn. Dat is niet zo gelopen.  Als ik dan ook nog eens een rekening krijg die niet uitkomt of er gaat iets kapot, dan breek ik even.

Dan zwelg ik een avond, en dan huil redelijk wat weg om de meest rare dingen. Het diepe “huuuuuuuuuu” onderbuik gehuil afwisselend met snuffels en vele dampo zakdoekjes.

Ik houd van mijn lemmings maar soms vind ik het zwaar als ik een rotweek heb en ik de zoveelste keer moet zeggen dat de meiden even hun “binnen stem” moeten gebruiken.

Dan wil ik een glas fles wijn, op de bank oprollen en een knuffel. Iemand die naast mij staat en zegt dat het goed komt. Iemand die alles van mij overneemt, dat ik gewoon een week met mijn hoofd onder de dekens kan liggen en doen alsof de wereld niet bestaat.

Meneer doet dit in het weekend en telefonisch en doordeweeks heb ik altijd mijn vriendin El of zusje op wie ik terug kan vallen. Dan kan ik even klagen over de wereld als we op de bank zitten ’s avonds.

Gelukkig heb ik deze momenten niet al te vaak en ik WEET heus wel dat alles goed komt. Ook op een “huuuuuu” moment weet ik beter.

Maar soms is het gevoel en verstand even los van elkaar. Dan eventjes hard huilen maakt een wereld van verschil. Een les die zich dit jaar heeft laten gelden.

Verdriet is geen teken van zwakte, het verdriet niet kunnen tonen of erkennen is zwakte. Er moet ruimte zijn voor verdriet want verdriet is een teken van verwerking.

Ik ben misschien niet de goed functionerende volwassene die ik had gedacht te zijn met 30 maar I’m trying. Veel meer dan dat kun je niet doen. Het komt zoals het komt. Wie weet snap ik alles wat beter als ik 35 ben.

Voor nu dag 2016 en hallo 2017!

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