Ik ben niet ok.

Ik ben moe. Ik ben op. Net zoals bijna ieder ander mens in Nederland. Ik heb een ongelofelijk zwaar jaar achter de rug afgezien van COVID, door ook bijvoorbeeld het ziektebed, het overlijden van Stephanie en het rouwproces van mijn kinderen om hun tweede moeder. (and there is way more)

Ik heb vakanties opgegeven om door te werken tijdens de eerste lock. De andere “vakantie” die ik had was voor de meiden en de rouw. Ik val onder een cruciaal beroep. Mensen hadden hulp nodig, ik werkte nog meer. Ik maakte het werkend. Ik moet door. 

Vervolgens het gezever omtrent de bonus. Waar wij wel of niet invallen ligt aan de interpretatie van hoe ons werk beschreven word. We kregen geen bonus. Het is oneerlijk, maar wat ga je doen? Mensen hebben hulp nodig,  ik moet door.

Ik ben op. Mijn relatie staat op springen omdat ik behoefte heb aan rust, hij aan aandacht. Het is logisch en het is niet eerlijk. Ik kan hem niet nu afrekenen op COVID gezeur.  Hij doet ook zijn best. Ik moet door.

De feestdagen normaal al stressvol. Nu mentaal slopend voor mijn dochters, ze missen Stephanie, ze slaan om zich heen. Huilbuien, troosten, knuffels. Ik slaap weinig maar mijn meiden hebben het nodig. Ik moet door.

Nieuwe lock, nieuwe regels: cliënten in paniek. Mijn werk is duidelijk; cruciaal beroep. Cliënten zijn alleen, verdrietig en bang… ze hebben ons nodig. Soms zijn wij de enige mensen die ze zien, het enige punt van menselijk contact. Je doet een masker op en gaat op automatische piloot. Als op dit moment op het werk mensen ziek worden of omvallen is er geen tijd voor verdriet of rouw. De volgende staan klaar om geholpen te worden. We moeten door.

Ik wil rust. Ik wil niets. Ik wil ontsnappen. Ik wil verdwalen in gamen, mijzelf afsluiten mentaal zodra ik mijn huis binnen stap. Even niet omgaan met de realiteit van de situatie.

Ik kan omgaan met het digitale leven, de digitale mensen, die ik kan afsluiten op elk moment als ik wil. Als ik stilte wil, ga ik offline. Het echte leven, echte mensen, mijn privé…ik kan ze bijna niet hebben. Ik heb alleen geen keuze, ik moet wel. Ik zorg voor de meiden, ik draai mijn huishouden , ik moet werken, mijn cliënten rekenen op mij, de families van cliënten rekenen op mij. Het vraagt teveel. Ik probeer niet iedereen weg te slaan, het spijt mij als ik je pijn doe op dit moment. Ik moet kiezen; jij of ik. Er zijn teveel mensen die mij nodig hebben. Ik heb verplichtingen. Ik probeer niet “apeshit” te gaan maar ik zit dicht tegen de “Freck it” houding aan, met een grote F. Ik probeer met iedereen rekening te houden. Het spijt mij als ik dit niet goed genoeg doe. Ik kan er verder niets meer aan doen, ik kan niet nog meer van mijzelf geven. Ik moet door.

Laat mij alsjeblieft. Trek niet aan mij. Geen verdere verplichtingen of verwachtingen. Laat mij mijn eigen ding maar even doen. Vraag hoe het gaat, vraag wat ik wil. Het eerlijke antwoord zal zijn “Een knuffel, menselijk contact, het oude leven, geen verplichting, een leeg hoofd en veel rust” Voel je niet persoonlijk aangevallen of opzij gezet als ik even niets wil. Ik probeer met mijn hoofd boven water te blijven, smachtende naar adem en rust, wachtende tot de storm voorbij is geraasd, ik naar land kan zwemmen en op land uit kan puffen. Verdrinken is geen optie. Ik moet door.

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